My Dreams Are WEIRD (Cthulhu Edition)

And no, I don’t need commentary from the peanut gallery on that one, thank you very much. But man, was last night’s dream weird.

I’m a writer, in case any of you had any doubts. The question is not “How do you get your ideas?” (Poughkeepsie, New York, long story), but rather “How do you make them stop?”

So I’m sleeping heavy and deep early this morning. The whole thing assembles in my head and stays with me with I wake up, which is uncommon. Usually, I forget the dreams on waking, but retain flavors. Nope, whole damned idea.

Disclaimer to follow:

  1. I don’t write horror.
  2. I won’t claim this idea later, if one of you decides to write it all down.
  3. I will demand, at a minimum, a dedication at the front, blaming me for everything, and a paper copy at some point, if you end up writing it.

Okay, let’s get weird.

The Cthulhu Mythos always returns, again and again, to cities laid out in non-Euclidian Geometry, whatever the hell that means, as a way of indicating “Things Man Was Not Meant To Know(tm)” and all that jazz. Simply learning how to think and understand that way will drive a man or woman completely and irrevocably insane. Every story agrees there.

However, you can train an AI/Machine-learning-program. Think about those bastards that force a Machine Learning algorithm to watch 1,000 hours of lawyer commercials. Or Bob Ross videos.

So, Man cannot learn about the true depths and meaning of the Dread Old Ones. However, you could program a machine to do it for you. And you cannot unlock the doorway, because by the time you understand how to summon Yog-Sothoth, you’re utterly nuts.

But a computer doesn’t care. And the phrase: “The stars must align” is a metaphorical concept, not a literal one, because even they recognized that the chances of one of the monkeys figuring it all out were astronomical in scale.

So you suddenly understand that you can open the path, by training a computer to solve the formula. But it’s a complete, and utter bitch. One of those where the NSA would require millions of years of computer time to brute force it open. Because they are using Euclidian Geometry to do it. Decision trees and binary, rather than insanity.

So you attach it to a block-chain. Create a crypto-currency where “mining the blocks” to “Solve mathematical problems” is actually deciphering the formula to summon the Greater Gods from R’lyeh to the here and now. (And boy, won’t Cthulhu be surprised when someone actually knocks.)

With me so far? Great. That’s the first half of your novel right there. Mystery. Thriller. Horror, Urban Fantasy. Science Fiction. They all work to that point.

Are we trying to raise Chuck from R’lyeh or prevent it? (If Charles can become Chuck, why can’t Cthulhu? Have you asked him which he prefers?)? What happens when Yog-Sothoth shows up? Did you bring enough alcohol for someone who’s been trapped in a foreign dimension for millions of years? Somehow, I doubt they were on the Elemental Plane of Good Beer.

So, you get to take that and run with it. If anyone asks, print this off and save it, so they can’t sue you for getting too close to their idea, because I just woke up and wrote this blog post, without asking the interwebs if it has previously been done. (And no, that is not a search I plan to undertake.) Plus, you’re going to write your story, your way. A dozen of you could all start out at the same spot above and never get any closer to each other. Not worried.

But damn it, I will throw a fit if you don’t blame me in print. And I seriously want a copy when you get done, preferably signed, but you can just drop ship it and then live the rest of your life wondering when I’m going to show up on your doorstep to get it signed. Ye Haff Been WARNED!


On your marks. Get set. Go Call Chuck!

And remember that my brain’s strange enough that those aren’t even the weirdest sorts of things it comes up with.

We now return you to your regular programming.